My Life Without Her

We value the thing only after we have lost it. I was never close to her but when she got sick I realized my life would never be the same again. My father, grandparents and aunts have never let me feel that I lost her, but when in silence I think about it, that void could never be filled.  Her last words still echo and now I realize how much pain she might be in to let go of all the free will. To let go of life that she wanted to be able to nurture her kids. Now when I am a mother, I know how much disappointed and lost she might be feeling knowing she could never witness her daughter’s life.  After all it is the greatest pleasure to be a part of your child’s life.

I have always wondered and sometimes even imagined how my life would have been if she was still with me!

I would always have someone to look up to, ask silly questions, and someone who could guide me constantly. How to behave in front of what kind of people! I don’t mean to say that I do not know how to do it; maybe my life would have been a bit different if she was still with me.

Every day I would  have talked to her asking about what should I do about my health, my body, my weight etc., after all who would know better than her to know what would suit me and help me improve my health.

What clothes should I wear, she always thought I looked nice in dresses; she never got to see me wear sarees. She would have been so proud to see me wear one and how elegant I look. I could never be as graceful as she was but she would have liked that.

How to tackle my kids when they are unruly, she would have had the perfect way, as she was a teacher and she did manage to make me into what I am.

All these things are nothing, they don’t mean as much as the presence of you in my life. My life without you is not bad or incomplete. It would surely have been so much better and wholesome if I still had you in my life. The constant companion and my best friend!

I have been trying to be a lot like you and mixing my own personality and I am sure you would be happy and proud of what I have become. But it never can mean that I don’t miss you.

The Uneventful Event

When you are an artist and you are trying to move beyond friends and family and expand your followers you would like to grab any opportunity you could get.

I recently decided to join a women’s club where the sole purpose was to give opportunities to women entrepreneurs. After much cajoling and coaxing I decided to take the plunge and intuitively joined the group.  I paid a small amount to get into a whatsapp group where I am allowed to share only 2 posts per day. In today’s time where people simply vomit out anything and everything in these groups I was allowed to post just 2?

I went a step further and paid another fee to put up a stall at an event that was primarily an extended Kitty party. The first did not seem as much of an evil as to what I witnessed at party. Let me put it this way... ladies of all age and size spend money to enter this event, look at none of the stalls as they might have to pay a small amount on them where as they spent thousands on getting all dolled up and looking like male up queens!

Is this what our generation is all about? To look beautiful with nothing inside. Whatever happened to beauty and brains or just the brains?  The whole event (a beauty pageant) was a set up. And people who had paid to put up a stall were left flabbergasted because no one was interested in looking at the things that were displayed but were more interested in displaying themselves. Is this what our society has come to?

The issue was never about expanding my horizon but how pretty I looked (I was asked to wear pretty clothes). And on top of that I was told not to lose heart. Things like this happen. I learnt something that day- never put your efforts in the hands of a someone who doesn’t care about anything but the looks. And that an even where the display is not the main attractions. It is never a great idea to say yes to them!