The lull after the big festivities

There seem to be a kind of lull, kind of gloom fallen after all the preparations and decorations that take place after a big festival. The aftermath can certainly be seen with the bloated tummy and an empty look. The highly activity filled days are no more so active and yet I have not caught up on my sleep.

Well that is not the only thing that is impacting my mental peace. I am a creative person and I like to constantly create something, be it a well written article or some Quilled piece.

Lately my mind keeps on wandering into a strange plane. Where I have these flashbacks and the images of things that I have not yet lived. Into this unknown territory I keep on wondering if I will ever come out of this.  Go to the place that I want to reach.

I wish to do so much and saying that I can’t find time to follow my passion is not just an understatement but also a sorry excuse for being too lazy. I have so much of passion and yet I do nothing for it.

I, like many others compare my passion with the kind of income I would get from it all. Proving that I think low of my own capabilities.

This has nothing to do with the lack of passion to follow my passion and make something of it but the dull lull that follows great and big festivals. I am sure I would get out of this soon and with a bang.

This surely is my mind rambling, making no sense whatsoever

Satisfaction guaranteed

I have been frequently asked as to why I create what I create. What is in it for the creator to create such delicate pieces and sell it off to adorn someone else’s house? What is the charm of making things for others when you hardly wear any of it? Why do I create?

There are numerous reasons like-

·         To feed the creative side

·         To pass the time

·         To earn extra mullah

·         If I know it I must create it

But above all it is the Satisfaction, I get when I convert something from my mind to what is in front of me. I am sure crafters, writers and in general all artists create with only for a sense of satisfaction in their mind. The relief and excitement, the elation and the acknowledgment of creation is not only empowering but also humbling.

When I get to try something new, something that I learned recently, either from a book or a video or even a tutorial, I feel this urge to try it. The never ending urges to twirl the paper and quill. Turn into a desired shape and continue with the experiment.

On the way there are many highs and lows (believe me I have wasted a lot). When I come out with a piece that is not only acknowledged but also appreciated, I am sure my fellow artists would agree that it was all worth it. The paper cuts and the wasted material along with failed attempts are all worth it!

The sense of satisfaction and achievement is beyond words can describe. So pick up your tool of choice and continue working towards that sense of satisfaction.

It's Complicated: It's Dark

I am a complex person and I have issues...There I said it; it’s out in the open, for everyone to read. I mostly find my thoughts all scrambled and confused, in the middle of nowhere, battling one big wave, that is going to crash me to death. And yet I find myself awake and kicking each day, every day. It’s complicated, I Know.

I have several issues that only few people know about. But I was once told to let it all out, write about it and let it in the open in order to things to start mending. So here goes nothing…

Self-esteem

I can hold my head high and walk a mile, but on the inside I feel like broken, shards of a mirror. Waiting for someone to put me back together! I let people mow me over and walk all over me. I don’t hold myself in a very high esteem. It’s not like I want to be here, but I am

Confidence

Well I can sure spell it; even understand the meaning of it, but not the gist of it, not an ounce of it in my body. I reek of low self esteem, self doubting in each and every step of my way. I can’t do a single thing for myself.

Will-power

That word is nowhere in my vocabulary. I have no self control, yeah I fondly remember that I use to have it once, but it seems that the word has turned its back on me and I just simply can’t gather it again and adorn it.

It’s a dark world where I am still on the threshold; I want to walk into the light but battling that tide. I know I have to try harder to live; otherwise I am on self destructive path.

Dude Where Are My Shorts?

I remember the last time we met. We parted mutually because the relationship was not moving forward. We were stagnated in time.

As I was packing my bags to move out I started remembering every little detail and every little time I spent in this house. The curtains, the stove, the kitchen, the bed and you…

I can still forget all but I could never let you go from my memories. It was the hardest decision I ever made in my whole life. It shattered me to the core. I am still feeling the aftershock of it all.

As I was packing an era of my life I remembered my most prized possession- my blue denim shorts.

Not your linen shirts, not your frappy hair and definitely not your crooked nose. I wanted my comfort shorts. After everything we went through I wanted my shorts back.

Dude where are my shorts? I asked again and again. When I did find them, you were wearing them like you owned them. I couldn’t take them back now!

After so many years when I finally realized as to why you did not return my shorts was nothing to do with my shorts but a part of me that you wanted to keep with you! People keep movie stubs, dinner receipt and gifts and cards, but you kept my shorts. The worn out denim shorts…

You kept a chunk of me with you in order to remember me. I can still remember how they looked on you and how that whole lifetime felt.

I no longer want my shorts back but the boy in them. The boy I left behind and the boy who loved me.

A Mother and ADaughter

 “She is all I have and I want to do so much, but I have got so little time left “thought Sarah.

Sarah told John to look out for her precious angel, she is going to be heartbroken. John was more concerned about Sarah rather than their daughter. Sarah was dying after a long struggle with cancer. It took almost five years, but she had a full life.

    A young teacher loved by her students and respected by her colleagues . She was a girl next door. She was made on order to be a beautiful wife and a great daughter in law.

    When their daughter Nickie was in 7^th grade Sarah  was diagnosed with cancer. She had her lump removed and got better for a while. She was elated when her results came back positive. She has always been a fighter, though she could not fight for her daughter. She has always been busy with her household chores and managing her house.

In her daily duties she forgot that she had a daughter and a beautiful one with a heart of gold. She thought she had enough time to develop her relation with her daughter . She had John to take care of first who needed her constantly for small things and big things.

     One day when Nickie came home she found all her relatives and instantly knew that her mom must be ill , lately her condition has been deteriorating . She could not see her so she went to her room and opened her books. She was not a spoiled brat but a shy girl who sometimes acted like a total tomboy. She was blossoming like a flower. But as the time knew her mother was getting worse. John was not very rich but he took good care of them. He knew his wife was leaving him her body was too weak but did not show his concern.

   He was praying each and every day for just one more day. He knew it will be difficult without her.

    Nickie started spending more time in school and planning her day in extracurricular activities ,just to be away from that dreadful place called home.

   She could not understand how her mother would be leaving. They have not yet talked about anything yet. She never told her how she felt. How upset she was and how lonely she would be. She never shared anything with her but now she wanted. She could not understand why she is leaving her when she needs her the most. Nickie was broken inside but she put on a brave face for everyone so that no one would pay attention to her. She came home ate whatever was made and shut herself in her room with music blasting.

    One day she came home and saw that her mother was critical. She was breathing hard and a nurse was taking care of her. She swallowed her tears and went in her mother’s room.

  Sarah was happy to see Nickie home. She knew it is just matter of days now so she did not want to waste her time with Nickie. She took her daughter’s hand in hers and with tears welling up she said  “my angel, I am sorry!”

   In those few words she said everything she ever wanted to say to her daughter. She was sorry that she had no time.

   She was sorry that she could not see her teenage daughter grow up.

   She was sorry that she could not see her daughter graduate or get a job or go on a date. No time to share jokes or anecdotes or simple incidents from the mundane life.

  But mostly sorry because she won’t be able to see her daughter as a bride , a married lady and a mother.

  Those final words all Nickie could remember and she would get past anything.

                             “My angel I am sorry”

A Day Without my Mobile

I read it someplace, that we are really trapped by our mobile phone with constant mails, Facebook updates, Instagram uploads and Tweets. Our whole social life is keen only on social networking. Whatever time is left we spend it on Whatsapp.

I am in no way condemning any one as I am one of those people who just cannot live without their phone. My reasons are a bit different from the above. I carry a lot in my phone like important documents that I need to have a look anytime, my kind of music as I don’t get to hear anything good on the  radio, snaps of my Quilled art and different books that I love to read.

So what did I do for 24 hours without my phone? I panicked, got bored watched some TV but then I observed a lot of things. I never imagined going for a walk without music in my ears but when I went for a walk in the evening I noticed how the sunlight sifted through the tree leaves and how simply beautiful the images were drawn out of it. I could let my imagination run amok with it. I felt lost and at the same time I found a wonderful world of nature.

I watched some movies on TV that I use to love watching and then I made my kids watch them too and really enjoyed some time and a break from the soap operas. My kids love to play outside and now we all played football together. None of us is a Pro in it, heck I don’t even know how to tackle a ball but we really enjoyed playing and doing some physical activity.

At night when I need to have a look at what is going on everywhere and then settle into a book.I found an old book from my Graduation days and I started re-reading it. I realised that I really could not go on for long reading it because it was a classic and you really need a dictionary to read them but every time I use to hit a difficult word I started pressing it to know the meaning and foolishly discovered that paper books do not have inbuilt dictionary. I really had to concentrate to be able to read it and comprehend what I was reading.

In all my ramblings without my phone I really found out that we use to have a life without it. Yes our life may seem a bit easier now with everything available at the touch of the hand but then we use to survive without it earlier too.

I am happy to go and pick up my world in the palm of my hand but now I know and hopefully remember that things need not be this complicated. We can have a great phone but we can also have a great life.

Let It Burn

Going away from you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Why you may ask? I never realised I would need you, so much like I do now.

Well it might be all kind of strange to read now after so many years. But being away from you had taught a lot to me. I always soared high when we were together because I was too enveloped in your love. I was never able to see that there is a ground and now I can actually taste the dirt and sweat.

I would have to work hard and do a lot more. It wasn’t just your arms around me that protected me but a lot more hardships to face.

Sometimes when I wake up I feel that you would still be around me. You would be here next to me to make each day rosy again. I am not here to do anything drastic but sometimes I feel an urge to be held again. And when I hug my pillow all I feel is a fresh stream of tears again.

Let it burn let it burn!!

But there is nothing more I want in my life to be back, to be where we left. Be back in your loving arms, where I can soar again carefree… you kept me grounded yet let me fly... I am a bird and you are my anchor...