Live Today

The dream for tomorrow
Can be realized today
The hope for the future
Can be realized today

Tomorrow is going to be yesterday soon
Then why fret you fool

If you take control now
I’ll tell you how
The promises you behold
Will be memories of the old

Live your life today
Don’t plan for tomorrow
Forget about yesterday
Carpie Diem is my motto
You would be happy too
If you just follow.

Our Paths may cross again

I loved him even before we became friends. There was something enticing about him. May be the way he looked at me or just the way he made me feel like a little girl inside and a woman outside. I was madly in love with him.
Love is a foolish game. It lifts you up and drops you dead, but who knew when all you could do was croon his name. I was far away from reality and with every breath I wished I could spend it with him. All I worried about was what were we going to do tomorrow when we meet. Love struck I even forgot that college is going to be over soon and he still had to finish his masters
I came back home and this affair continued and we got even more close. We did meet each other’s parents and were instantly rejected. I was working and he was still studying, how can we get married? And thus our love story ended.
A couple of years later after much resistance I got married and my life started on a new lease. I was happy and living my new life when one day I got a message “I love you and I miss you”. I was shattered yet I tried to forget him .I was already trying to cope with my new life, new responsibilities and this whole matter was put in a corner.
New home, new city, it was all very challenging and with a kid it was quite endearing. But I always liked a challenge. My life was smooth with its normal hiccups. One day I saw him again. Staring at me with his enchanting eyes and that grin that made my heart skip a beat. All those feelings came crashing by. The pain I felt when we parted, the joy of seeing him again. I was speechless; I knew not what to say.
It was strange when our paths crossed like this, all those feelings rush to your mind and you know it that you couldn’t be with him anymore.
I wanted to say so much yet I could not, but I don’t wish to waste another moment, when I wrote this and I hope you read it someday.
Who do you think you are? I let you in and gave you my heart, showed you things and told you my secrets. Took your hand and made you stronger. Taught you things and made you who you are. Gave you love and asked for your lifelong togetherness. Yet all I got was pain and some lies. And a scream of broken dreams inside. I still dream of you when I am in pain but beware you mean nothing to me but a fragment of my past.
So go on and be happy with your life but you have got no right to meddle with mine. I wish I would have never met you and would have been stronger. But I could not say these things to you because you are just a stranger from my past crossing my path.

Love at first Kick

I am sure most of you must have heard about love at first sight! But no one would imagine love at first kick!
It was any other day for us! Boring classes and college campus and back to PG. We have seen every bird that the campus had to offer and I was genuinely not interested. We did not even expect any new bird to fly in. and then I saw her…she was a perfect mismatch. She came to study to be a teacher and she was dressed in jeans and shirt. When I saw her with her girls in suits I knew she was different. And then she did this turn and kicked her friend in the bum. I was awed and I knew…I fell in love with the girl who kicked.

Our classes were just across the hall so I had the chance to look at her quite often! I loved the way she carried herself and the way she behaved. Once she caught my friend clicking her snap from my phone and she approached us! That was the day when I had a good look at her and I fell in love. We became friends and started meeting often.

I remember the day, I found her crying over someone and I saw how vulnerable she is. Over the time she became a very close friend of mine, all this while I never told her that I was falling deeply and madly in love with her. Writing a letter for everything was her way of showing that she cared. So I did the same. One day I gathered all my strength and wrote her a letter…
Pree
I am in love with you. I love everything about you. The way you smell. The way you play volleyball. The way you are able to dismantle every guy in your class. The way you have bowled me over.
I will love you forever even if we grow apart I will always love you. I loved you when you sing “Lady”, I love you when you fight with me. I love you when you talk nonsense. I fell in love with you when you kicked your best friend and every time we meet I fall in love with you all over again.

Ramblings of my Heart

I have a confession to make

I need a chance

to explain my true self

give me some time

to turn this around

after I have been drained of ego

I will let you know

how I truly feel

I have been up and down

I have been around

yet I find little solace

in everyday

let me drain my ego

I will let you know

How i truly feel.

after I have run my course

I am sure

I will truly understand this

this feeling that I cant

explain

Wait for me

let me turn this around

lets seek each other out

I am sure we all will find

How I really feel.

For You...

You never know when someone will come in your life and when that person will leave. It is just a blessing to be alive and be surrounded by people who love you and whom you love. I have the pleasure of having you in my life. I dedicate this to our friendship.
Back in school being in the same class did not entitle us to know each other so well. Even being in the same group of friends and going out was not enough for us to be great. I can say on my part that we never felt the need to know each other and yet we were aware of each other.
While growing up we meet different circumstances that teach us a lot about the other person and it was these consequences that brought us together. We selected the same subjects to pursue our careers in and fate proved our guide in bringing one step closer to each other. In those three years we became even closer than before.
As time moved on you became indispensable to me. I thought of you as not just my very close friend but my teacher and guide. Your simplicity and your grounded nature were in complete juxtaposition to my flamboyant nature. But you always managed to calm me down and teach me how not to get hurt when I wore my heart on my sleeve.
I got married and the whole time I found you with me for all the emotional support and stupid things. And when you got married I could not do the same, I still feel guilty about that sometimes. We both got settled in our life. Even after having kids and a home to run we never lost touch with each other. We proved to be each others guide and great friends.
Today I would like to take this opportunity to tell you how much you mean to me. I never knew since when did my best friend’s wife became my best friend and my best friend became my best friend’s husband. We have the same tastes and same thinking (though you are still more in control of your emotions). I hope to continue to be a part of each others life. Let life teach us and let’s learn together.

Find myself

“When we get married and we grow a bit older we kind of loose ourselves” this kind of thought crosses our mind quite often when our relationships become stagnant. Every day we continue to just be, a mere existence. We forget our special character- that character just describes us perfectly. We cease to live and merely exist.
We let people tread all over us and are taken for granted. We forget that before we came to this place we were someone and not a nobody. Have you ever wondered if you went away, would any one miss you? Your husband or even your kids! They are so self absorbed that your existence is as the word itself-‘exist’. Where do you go from here?
We have all made our lives revolve around our family and our own life is just a mere mirror of what our family expects and needs. We stop laughing or dancing or just being ourselves. it happens to the best of us.
Remember when we were younger we all had a plan. I am sure that most of us are able to fulfill our dreams but for someone like me, my aspirations now focus only on my family. “we are family” and yet if we lose ourselves in order to bring the family together, but each and every individual makes the family whole and yet we tend to lose ourselves in it.
Why do we let ourselves get this weak that we let go of our beautiful minds and our body. Isn’t it time to take control of it all? Cease to exist and live once again? After all it is ‘me’ first! If I am well physically and mentally then only I can take care of my family and their needs. I need to develop my own uniqueness, let me not forget who I was to be who I am. Be my own adjective rather than be categorized in an adjective of someone else’s choosing.
So go out and explore your own limits and many possibilities. Don’t be afraid to find yourself again. Your life is not over, not by far.

More...

We came together-it was fate
We separated-it was our choice
Then why does it hurt
When I still feel the same
We live our life- rule of nature
We try to be happy- life rule
Then why does it feels artificial
When I am no longer the same
We lost our selves
We fail to live
We exist in ignorance
Yet we cry
As we want more

Ramblings continue...

In one of those moods today when I don’t know what I am doing with my life and where it is going. I am fully aware that I get into these retrospective moods quite often and most of the times I blame myself for my condition. I draw a long list of my goals and my duties, try to talk to my sister and my friends: nothing uplifts my mood. And I find myself spiraling down.
My bad mood turns into anger and frustration. I can’t take it out on any one so my kids suffer and I get another reason to blame myself. How can a person be happy all the time? What do we need and if we can’t be happy all the time we can’t be sad all the time too.
The graph can’t be a flat line it needs to go up and down. What I would really love is it to be a balanced one, at least to the point when I don’t lash out on my kids or harm myself. After all my family begins and ends with them. And when I am fully aware of it all I let an outsider put me down and destroy my inner peace!
I dig deeper!
Is it really someone else who is putting me down or is it my own demons? I need to find them and conquer. They are not only letting me fail but I can’t shape things my way. I know the answer and where to find it but my will power stagger somewhere.
EUREKA!!!
I know what I have to do for it and yet coz of my contemplative mood I am in self destructive mode… for the sake of my family, I need to fight this urge and be strong for everyone. Be calm inside and maybe just maybe I can achieve my goals...

And some more

Another day passes by and I am still in that stupid mood where I don’t find the light at the end tunnel. And I contemplate some more…. I have come to several observations and do not know how true they are
1. I am insecure
My insecurities related to everything in my life tend to overwhelm me and thus making me melancholic. I do not know if they are insecurities or just a scratch in my head. Rationally I should not be insecure… my kids love me and m family loves me; yet I do feel insecure.
2. Fear of loosing
I have this innate feeling of being left alone. I feel that if I take some one for granted may be they will leave me too. That is why I try to make them happy. I will always be scared that people whom I love will leave me
3. No will power or self control
Yeah!! That is just about right. Where do I find the time to think of these kind of things where I self depreciate myself and feel so forlorn. I need to think about everything- my goals and what I want to do for myself and my family and kids. I need to build and let my will power grow, even if I need to push my limits I need to do it and do it now!!

The loss I have felt over the years can’t be filled but why am I doing things that may harm my loved ones. After all they all want to see me happy but I being myself can’t go on soul searching trip!!!! I need to make things happen for myself. Wake up and smell the coffee and get on with the life…live a little and love some more…..don’t let people get your down!!

Feel it

Every now and then I think of the time that had gone by. We are not the same and I think we can’t ever be. But my memories play the kind of game that is not healthy.
It is not healthy to think like the way I do. I am constantly reminded of you. I wake up with a feeling of nostalgia. The very thought of seeing your today makes my heart skip a beat! My stomach churns with excitement and I feel I am on the seventh heaven.
It is a niche I created for myself, where I can feel however I want to feel. Interpret it as you like it. I am no Shakespeare to write profoundly. I can’t write odes either. But it is a feeling that I can’t define, just hum in my mind.
A prose writ in poem, a failed attempt maybe. I try to do justice to myself, but fail immensely.
Before I went to bed, I wrote a letter, to explain my matter. I poured my feelings for you, hoping you would understand. It’s just a stream of thoughts that doesn’t matter to mush. Yeah it is mushy much that I think too much.
It is just the way I feel it, that I write so much.

Eternity

You have inspired me for a long time and I have thought about you many times. Every time I play that tape I feel hurt and happy together. Though I know it has been a long time ago, the wound and the mushy feeling feels really fresh.
The time we spent in the park, our confessions and special Spidy Kiss are all so fresh in my mind. Every time we met, watching the sunset. Hoping I will get to chase a sunrise with you are some of my memories that are still like new.
The way we met and the way we parted, seems like just yesterday and I am back with you.
You never seem to go away, harder I try every day. With your crooked smile and even more crooked nose, made me skip a beat even now.
You have enchanted me and maybe still do but I know how hard it is to simply get over you.
I can still feel the first drop of the rain, when never been kissed turned into never been kissed in rain. When time stood still and maybe, my heart was too. The memory of you on your bicycle will roll over my head.
In the silent night I still remember you. As the day approaches I know this memory will fade but I know the night will bring you.
My memories play this game with me where I am someone else and you maybe. Crippled by my thoughts I write all not. Yet I feel I lived an eternity in this page….

love Myself

I have been staring at my screen for quite some time now and constantly I am drawing a blank. My empty slate calls out to all that I am desperately in need of some kind of love and assurance that I hold some place in your life. The very thought is so depressing that it hurts.
Why do I need someone’s assurance and love? Am I not complete in myself? Do I need some one else to make me feel beautiful? Do I need to get a tag to say I am a good mother? Do I need a hoarding to shout that I can write brilliantly if I put my heart in it?
NO I don’t need it. Why should I ? Is it the society that says so or is the family with whom I share my life? Yes we are social animals and we need the society but if I am not satisfied myself how am I suppose to satisfy other person. If I decide that I am good then I AM! I am my own mirror and I don’t need some else to show me this mirror.
If I am not true to my soul and if I don’t love myself, who else is going to? And even if some one says that they do then how would I know it to be true?
I know I might be rambling but I need to find an inspiration and that ought to come from within me and not someplace outside.

Fade into the Oblivion

Darkness fathoms me
Envelops me….
I don’t see the light
At the end of the tunnel
The dark cloud has no silver lining
I wish to fade away into oblivion.
Transported back in time
I found myself in back again
Forgotten ignored
Abused again
I wish I would
Fade into the oblivion
Closer to me
Misunderstood
Further away I drift
Fading away into the oblivion

Why do we love??

For too long I have stayed away from writing something for myself. Not picked out a story from my life to write about and I was kinda feeling a void...
I know I should not be focusing on laptop screen for the sake of my eyes but I wanted to stare at the keyboard screen in order to give words to this feeling…
Why do we love??
Why do we love??
We love to make us feel good
We love to make the other person feel good
Walk on a line and tread the path
For whom
So that one day they will
Turn their back on you
Why do we love?
We love the other than we love ourselves
And let go of our uniqueness
And search ourselves in other’s tales
Why do we love the other?
We love and must love me!
I don’t have to find myself in his eyes
But easier said than done
The vast sense of nada
Is too much to bear
And again I need to find someone
The vicious circle continues
Why give someone that authority
Why do we love the other?
Why not love me???

Lost and Found

I have thought about this a zillion times and came to the same conclusion every time.
The things that happened some 10 years back is in the past and I keep on reminding myself of the love, joy and consequent pain I got. The scars have never healed but thinking further I feel that are they really scars or fragments of the past.

I still remember the bike rides
I still feel the heat of your skin
I can feel the smell of your cigarette (however I hated it)
Still reminds me of you

I know who I am now and who you are but the never ending game of memories that distract me are often velvet and sometimes full of thorns. They do provide me with an escape from the life I fret not but wish to escape sometimes.
What is it that still binds me to you?
What is it that I still feel attracted to your essence (though not you)
What is it that my mind shatters to thousand pieces and yet I hold the ground
What is it??

Thinking aloud about this might be a crime, but I have my place to hide all this. A place that I can be whoever I want to be. Lost in the ocean I find my peace and a bit of myself again
Why can’t you leave
Why can’t I let you go
A lot of questions unanswered

I don’t need to go any further. I am already in too deep. But at the same time it is just the tip of the iceberg let it not be stirred coz it runs too deep.

Precipice

How do you define the moment in your life where you are at the highest peak and looking down you see nothing. Your heartbeat fastens and your adrenaline shoots up. You know there is nothing beyond that pint and yet you are eager to reach it. The point where you are at the brink of it and a bit more will tilt you over. The moment where your life so far flashes in front of you. The moment where your heart is ready to leap out of your chest and you can hear it pump.
The moment where you look into those eyes and lose your heart. The moment when you know you are irreversibly in love with that person. The moment you know would never get back and you would never be same any more. The moment that will change your entire life.
The moment where your heart beat as one, the moment where you know you want to carry on and start living, the way you have never lived before. The sound of arbitrary makes perfect sense. Even the confusion seems fully organized. The moment where the worry of the future and the demons of the past does not matter. In a split of a second you feel like you lived a lifetime.
Found the precipice in you…

You are always in my mind

You are always on my mind

Yes I do think of you

A lot is an understatement

These flashes of memories

A stolen kiss

Our song on the radio

The tree which was our hideout

The sun rays sifting through

Blindsided me

I never realized what it was before I lost it all

And after all this time

I still yearn for you

I kept you at pedestal

And you never came down

Even after all this time

Even after all these years

I still hope one day

We would meet again

If and when that day comes

I am sure I am going to be spellbound

You and me

Have a history together

But no future for sure

Yet somewhere in my heart I know

It wasn’t over

It still isn’t over…..