My Life Without Her

We value the thing only after we have lost it. I was never close to her but when she got sick I realized my life would never be the same again. My father, grandparents and aunts have never let me feel that I lost her, but when in silence I think about it, that void could never be filled.  Her last words still echo and now I realize how much pain she might be in to let go of all the free will. To let go of life that she wanted to be able to nurture her kids. Now when I am a mother, I know how much disappointed and lost she might be feeling knowing she could never witness her daughter’s life.  After all it is the greatest pleasure to be a part of your child’s life.

I have always wondered and sometimes even imagined how my life would have been if she was still with me!

I would always have someone to look up to, ask silly questions, and someone who could guide me constantly. How to behave in front of what kind of people! I don’t mean to say that I do not know how to do it; maybe my life would have been a bit different if she was still with me.

Every day I would  have talked to her asking about what should I do about my health, my body, my weight etc., after all who would know better than her to know what would suit me and help me improve my health.

What clothes should I wear, she always thought I looked nice in dresses; she never got to see me wear sarees. She would have been so proud to see me wear one and how elegant I look. I could never be as graceful as she was but she would have liked that.

How to tackle my kids when they are unruly, she would have had the perfect way, as she was a teacher and she did manage to make me into what I am.

All these things are nothing, they don’t mean as much as the presence of you in my life. My life without you is not bad or incomplete. It would surely have been so much better and wholesome if I still had you in my life. The constant companion and my best friend!

I have been trying to be a lot like you and mixing my own personality and I am sure you would be happy and proud of what I have become. But it never can mean that I don’t miss you.