Lost and Found

I have thought about this a zillion times and came to the same conclusion every time.
The things that happened some 10 years back is in the past and I keep on reminding myself of the love, joy and consequent pain I got. The scars have never healed but thinking further I feel that are they really scars or fragments of the past.

I still remember the bike rides
I still feel the heat of your skin
I can feel the smell of your cigarette (however I hated it)
Still reminds me of you

I know who I am now and who you are but the never ending game of memories that distract me are often velvet and sometimes full of thorns. They do provide me with an escape from the life I fret not but wish to escape sometimes.
What is it that still binds me to you?
What is it that I still feel attracted to your essence (though not you)
What is it that my mind shatters to thousand pieces and yet I hold the ground
What is it??

Thinking aloud about this might be a crime, but I have my place to hide all this. A place that I can be whoever I want to be. Lost in the ocean I find my peace and a bit of myself again
Why can’t you leave
Why can’t I let you go
A lot of questions unanswered

I don’t need to go any further. I am already in too deep. But at the same time it is just the tip of the iceberg let it not be stirred coz it runs too deep.

Precipice

How do you define the moment in your life where you are at the highest peak and looking down you see nothing. Your heartbeat fastens and your adrenaline shoots up. You know there is nothing beyond that pint and yet you are eager to reach it. The point where you are at the brink of it and a bit more will tilt you over. The moment where your life so far flashes in front of you. The moment where your heart is ready to leap out of your chest and you can hear it pump.
The moment where you look into those eyes and lose your heart. The moment when you know you are irreversibly in love with that person. The moment you know would never get back and you would never be same any more. The moment that will change your entire life.
The moment where your heart beat as one, the moment where you know you want to carry on and start living, the way you have never lived before. The sound of arbitrary makes perfect sense. Even the confusion seems fully organized. The moment where the worry of the future and the demons of the past does not matter. In a split of a second you feel like you lived a lifetime.
Found the precipice in you…

You are always in my mind

You are always on my mind

Yes I do think of you

A lot is an understatement

These flashes of memories

A stolen kiss

Our song on the radio

The tree which was our hideout

The sun rays sifting through

Blindsided me

I never realized what it was before I lost it all

And after all this time

I still yearn for you

I kept you at pedestal

And you never came down

Even after all this time

Even after all these years

I still hope one day

We would meet again

If and when that day comes

I am sure I am going to be spellbound

You and me

Have a history together

But no future for sure

Yet somewhere in my heart I know

It wasn’t over

It still isn’t over…..

Our Journey to get Visa

The Journey to reach a destination is not easy. their are a lot of highs and lows and when the decision needs to be taken keeping the entire family into consideration. It was not easy!

It all started with a simple thought and a fear. The thought to give my kids a better education quality and a fear that my husband might lose his job due to recession and a lot of job cutoffs in his company. A thought came to mind to try and migrate to Canada where the education system, work-life balance gives better opportunities. We discussed this thought with our family as well as Dimple Aunty who is our guardian angel , here on the Earth. We got a green signal and we went ahead to start our journey.

The first step was to go for IELTS exams, we both appeared for the same and i was able to secure the band that was required. And Avneesh attempted once more to succeed with flying colors. During this time Dimple Aunty told us to repeat a mantra that we ca do anything. And it happened.

The next step was WES and filing to enter into the Pool for Express entry. Though my husband was initially the prime applicant, we were not able to get an invite to submit our case. But Dimple Aunty told us that she can see us packing our bags with a smile on our faces. But we were getting anxious. Another thought came to mind to submit the file , making me a prime applicant. We did that and we got the invite.

Any one can imagine that at this stage we were elated and scared too. And again we called up Aunty!
She simply said, don't worry. If you will give energies to negative thought, you would not be able to get what you want. So keep yourself along with the entire family in Golden Ball. From submitting the file to our medicals expiring, we were so anxious and through it all Dear dear Dimple Aunty listened to us , consoled us and explained things that situation might not be feasible right now, that is why there is delay. When She explained things we got positive but with every passing month, we started losing hope, that our dream might not happen.
During this time we met a lot of people, astrologers, who convinced us that we would definitely go and there is no better time or scope. and still sometimes the heart sank.
Then unexpectedly a miracle happened!
Dimple Aunty always said be grateful, do your prayers and trust and surrender always!
We got our Re medicals, Approved within a few days and Passport Requests in 2 days. Within a week of submitting our Passport we received our Visa. 
I had this feeling that my birthday this year would be special. We submitted our Passports on my Birthday- 29th Nov and had our Visa stamped on 5th Dec.
Miracle, Miracle,Miracle

Our Gratitude to our Divine Angels and the angel on Earth- Dimple Aunty.

I am aware that the Journey has just only started. We have a long way to go. leaving a family setup and moving to another country and starting afresh would not be easy. In fact the struggle is yet to start. But why fret when we have the power of Trust and Surrender, Golden Ball and the prayers by them. And the Dearest Dimple Aunty! Heartfelt Gratitude!

You reside in me!

You left me when I was very young and I could never forgive you for that. I was naïve to understand the ways of the world and I simply needed you to guide me through every phase of life.

What I never understood was that I don’t need you to physically be with me. I was a fool to think you left and I am alone. I found you in me!

While noticing and discovering myself, I found not only me but the voice of reasoning- that is you! You never left my side; you are the one who keeps me grounded. I not only look like you but also am grounded like you. I feel like you did and do a lot of things like you did in your time. Thinking about all these things do not make me angry anymore. It makes me proud to be called your daughter. Yes in every sense you left me to walk alone but for eternity you are the hand pulling me on the right path! You reside within me!

The Moon

Countless words have been written
Many sonnets dedicated
Someone prays
Others miss
Few find the face of their loved obes
Rest wish to explore it more
The enigma that is the Moon.

The glow, the shine
Illuminates the poet's soul
The halo around it, yearning for more
The tidal effect
Affects those within me
It has poetry written all over.

The love affair
That is the Moon
Fading and rising
Oh! I wish if our love was like yours
Growing and fading
But always there
Even behind the clouds..

Places I don't wish to visit

Certain moments in our life leave a lasting impression on our mind. We may not be consciously affected by them but on the subconscious level they leave a lasting impression. We link these places with some of the places that may bring out the worst fear in our mind. It has never been explained but that uncanny familiarity like Déjà vu or just some sort of phobia is really something I wish to write about today.

I have linked many places with some sort of memory that I find it hard to visit again. Some are happy moments and some are downright sentimental. They all have a short story attached with it. I hope you can relate to them and appreciate the change is pace of the article.

Places that have a sad memory

Hospitals

Most people are afraid of hospitals because they relate hospitals with illness, blood and medicines. Nosocomephobia is very real and has a deep link with my childhood. I was very young when my mother was diagnosed with a life threatening illness. At first I did not understand why my parents left me and went alone for so long. It was only later on when I grew up a little that I realized, we would not have my mother with us for long.

At first visiting her in the hospital was fun as we use to ride up and down in the elevator and sitting in the food cafeteria and eating was so much cool. The clean environment and the sanitized linen was somehow a comfort. It was later when I had to see my mother suffer and go through pain; I associated Hospitals with just pain and too much pain.

I lost my mother while she was in my lap, not because of any negligence from the hospital or the doctors but I lost her because there was nothing more that could be done to improve her health. Even today whenever I need to visit someone in the Hospital I have goosebumps and my heart starts pumping loudly. I feel scared that once you enter the hospital for illness, you would never come out of it alive and the people who suffer are the ones who are left behind.

Praying places

People usually go to these places as they consider them sacred. A place of sanctity! I am afraid to visit a place like this because I have always felt that we go to God when we are in trouble. We pray and pray and it is all but a lie. We pray for our happiness and we pray for materialistic things. I am scared to see so much of pain in the world that the most crowded place is the one place that should offer peace. I am scared to see so much of unhappiness that we need to ask God. Why can’t we talk to him daily and say thank you for giving me this life?

Elevators

I am a bit of claustrophobic and small elevators freak me out. They have so many people in a small area. Most importantly some of them are a bit of a ride with bumps. We are running against the gravity, suspended in mid air and supported my some metal wires on an electric pulley. Don’t mind my thought, if you can handle that it’s your choice, I prefer stairs!

Places that have happy memory

Such places are rare. These places which have happy memories, I am scared to visit again because I don’t wish to taint it with a new one. I like my old thought to remain there so that I can remember it fondly.

My school and my college

Beside the education I had a lot of fun in school. I found my support group, my friends who have seen me and who have been a part of my journey for so long. The class bunks, the serious discussions with our seniors, the corridors where we were punished and the teachers who mentored us. They are quite remarkable memories and I am afraid that if I visit them again they might bring tears to my eyes.

Friend’s hangouts

So much goes on at the friend’s hangout place. I would hang out there with friends more than I would attend the class. Eating junk food and making plans for the next day and circling the classes to miss and fighting over crushes! The place held our secrets. It was a home away from home. And now I would rather not visit that place because we have all grown up and we could not have that time back. I would rather make new memories of another place but that special place would always be sacred to me.

Places that outright scares me

There are many places that truly scare me. I would rather never experience them at all.

Adventure parks

Places that are home to rollercoaster and haunted house are not only scary to me, I believe there are many who get scared.  I know it is just a ride and all safety measures are taken, I still feel scared to even observe.

Paranormal Activity

It is fascinating as far as I read about them, but I would be too scared to feel it in person. A place where there is a hint of paranormal activity is another place that is downright scary.

Even though the list is compiled as per my opinion, would still like to believe that I cannot be spooked that easily. We all have a part to play and we just need to make our will strong and do what is right. Don’t be scared to try new thing or visit new place. Have fun while you are at it.