Fade into the Oblivion

Darkness fathoms me
Envelops me….
I don’t see the light
At the end of the tunnel
The dark cloud has no silver lining
I wish to fade away into oblivion.
Transported back in time
I found myself in back again
Forgotten ignored
Abused again
I wish I would
Fade into the oblivion
Closer to me
Misunderstood
Further away I drift
Fading away into the oblivion

Why do we love??

For too long I have stayed away from writing something for myself. Not picked out a story from my life to write about and I was kinda feeling a void...
I know I should not be focusing on laptop screen for the sake of my eyes but I wanted to stare at the keyboard screen in order to give words to this feeling…
Why do we love??
Why do we love??
We love to make us feel good
We love to make the other person feel good
Walk on a line and tread the path
For whom
So that one day they will
Turn their back on you
Why do we love?
We love the other than we love ourselves
And let go of our uniqueness
And search ourselves in other’s tales
Why do we love the other?
We love and must love me!
I don’t have to find myself in his eyes
But easier said than done
The vast sense of nada
Is too much to bear
And again I need to find someone
The vicious circle continues
Why give someone that authority
Why do we love the other?
Why not love me???

Lost and Found

I have thought about this a zillion times and came to the same conclusion every time.
The things that happened some 10 years back is in the past and I keep on reminding myself of the love, joy and consequent pain I got. The scars have never healed but thinking further I feel that are they really scars or fragments of the past.

I still remember the bike rides
I still feel the heat of your skin
I can feel the smell of your cigarette (however I hated it)
Still reminds me of you

I know who I am now and who you are but the never ending game of memories that distract me are often velvet and sometimes full of thorns. They do provide me with an escape from the life I fret not but wish to escape sometimes.
What is it that still binds me to you?
What is it that I still feel attracted to your essence (though not you)
What is it that my mind shatters to thousand pieces and yet I hold the ground
What is it??

Thinking aloud about this might be a crime, but I have my place to hide all this. A place that I can be whoever I want to be. Lost in the ocean I find my peace and a bit of myself again
Why can’t you leave
Why can’t I let you go
A lot of questions unanswered

I don’t need to go any further. I am already in too deep. But at the same time it is just the tip of the iceberg let it not be stirred coz it runs too deep.

Precipice

How do you define the moment in your life where you are at the highest peak and looking down you see nothing. Your heartbeat fastens and your adrenaline shoots up. You know there is nothing beyond that pint and yet you are eager to reach it. The point where you are at the brink of it and a bit more will tilt you over. The moment where your life so far flashes in front of you. The moment where your heart is ready to leap out of your chest and you can hear it pump.
The moment where you look into those eyes and lose your heart. The moment when you know you are irreversibly in love with that person. The moment you know would never get back and you would never be same any more. The moment that will change your entire life.
The moment where your heart beat as one, the moment where you know you want to carry on and start living, the way you have never lived before. The sound of arbitrary makes perfect sense. Even the confusion seems fully organized. The moment where the worry of the future and the demons of the past does not matter. In a split of a second you feel like you lived a lifetime.
Found the precipice in you…

You are always in my mind

You are always on my mind

Yes I do think of you

A lot is an understatement

These flashes of memories

A stolen kiss

Our song on the radio

The tree which was our hideout

The sun rays sifting through

Blindsided me

I never realized what it was before I lost it all

And after all this time

I still yearn for you

I kept you at pedestal

And you never came down

Even after all this time

Even after all these years

I still hope one day

We would meet again

If and when that day comes

I am sure I am going to be spellbound

You and me

Have a history together

But no future for sure

Yet somewhere in my heart I know

It wasn’t over

It still isn’t over…..

Our Journey to get Visa

The Journey to reach a destination is not easy. their are a lot of highs and lows and when the decision needs to be taken keeping the entire family into consideration. It was not easy!

It all started with a simple thought and a fear. The thought to give my kids a better education quality and a fear that my husband might lose his job due to recession and a lot of job cutoffs in his company. A thought came to mind to try and migrate to Canada where the education system, work-life balance gives better opportunities. We discussed this thought with our family as well as Dimple Aunty who is our guardian angel , here on the Earth. We got a green signal and we went ahead to start our journey.

The first step was to go for IELTS exams, we both appeared for the same and i was able to secure the band that was required. And Avneesh attempted once more to succeed with flying colors. During this time Dimple Aunty told us to repeat a mantra that we ca do anything. And it happened.

The next step was WES and filing to enter into the Pool for Express entry. Though my husband was initially the prime applicant, we were not able to get an invite to submit our case. But Dimple Aunty told us that she can see us packing our bags with a smile on our faces. But we were getting anxious. Another thought came to mind to submit the file , making me a prime applicant. We did that and we got the invite.

Any one can imagine that at this stage we were elated and scared too. And again we called up Aunty!
She simply said, don't worry. If you will give energies to negative thought, you would not be able to get what you want. So keep yourself along with the entire family in Golden Ball. From submitting the file to our medicals expiring, we were so anxious and through it all Dear dear Dimple Aunty listened to us , consoled us and explained things that situation might not be feasible right now, that is why there is delay. When She explained things we got positive but with every passing month, we started losing hope, that our dream might not happen.
During this time we met a lot of people, astrologers, who convinced us that we would definitely go and there is no better time or scope. and still sometimes the heart sank.
Then unexpectedly a miracle happened!
Dimple Aunty always said be grateful, do your prayers and trust and surrender always!
We got our Re medicals, Approved within a few days and Passport Requests in 2 days. Within a week of submitting our Passport we received our Visa. 
I had this feeling that my birthday this year would be special. We submitted our Passports on my Birthday- 29th Nov and had our Visa stamped on 5th Dec.
Miracle, Miracle,Miracle

Our Gratitude to our Divine Angels and the angel on Earth- Dimple Aunty.

I am aware that the Journey has just only started. We have a long way to go. leaving a family setup and moving to another country and starting afresh would not be easy. In fact the struggle is yet to start. But why fret when we have the power of Trust and Surrender, Golden Ball and the prayers by them. And the Dearest Dimple Aunty! Heartfelt Gratitude!

You reside in me!

You left me when I was very young and I could never forgive you for that. I was naïve to understand the ways of the world and I simply needed you to guide me through every phase of life.

What I never understood was that I don’t need you to physically be with me. I was a fool to think you left and I am alone. I found you in me!

While noticing and discovering myself, I found not only me but the voice of reasoning- that is you! You never left my side; you are the one who keeps me grounded. I not only look like you but also am grounded like you. I feel like you did and do a lot of things like you did in your time. Thinking about all these things do not make me angry anymore. It makes me proud to be called your daughter. Yes in every sense you left me to walk alone but for eternity you are the hand pulling me on the right path! You reside within me!