In one of those moods today when I don’t know what I am doing with my life and where it is going. I am fully aware that I get into these retrospective moods quite often and most of the times I blame myself for my condition. I draw a long list of my goals and my duties, try to talk to my sister and my friends: nothing uplifts my mood. And I find myself spiraling down.
My bad mood turns into anger and frustration. I can’t take it out on any one so my kids suffer and I get another reason to blame myself. How can a person be happy all the time? What do we need and if we can’t be happy all the time we can’t be sad all the time too.
The graph can’t be a flat line it needs to go up and down. What I would really love is it to be a balanced one, at least to the point when I don’t lash out on my kids or harm myself. After all my family begins and ends with them. And when I am fully aware of it all I let an outsider put me down and destroy my inner peace!
I dig deeper!
Is it really someone else who is putting me down or is it my own demons? I need to find them and conquer. They are not only letting me fail but I can’t shape things my way. I know the answer and where to find it but my will power stagger somewhere.
EUREKA!!!
I know what I have to do for it and yet coz of my contemplative mood I am in self destructive mode… for the sake of my family, I need to fight this urge and be strong for everyone. Be calm inside and maybe just maybe I can achieve my goals...
Saturday, 4 January 2020
And some more
Another day passes by and I am still in that stupid mood where I don’t find the light at the end tunnel. And I contemplate some more…. I have come to several observations and do not know how true they are
1. I am insecure
My insecurities related to everything in my life tend to overwhelm me and thus making me melancholic. I do not know if they are insecurities or just a scratch in my head. Rationally I should not be insecure… my kids love me and m family loves me; yet I do feel insecure.
2. Fear of loosing
I have this innate feeling of being left alone. I feel that if I take some one for granted may be they will leave me too. That is why I try to make them happy. I will always be scared that people whom I love will leave me
3. No will power or self control
Yeah!! That is just about right. Where do I find the time to think of these kind of things where I self depreciate myself and feel so forlorn. I need to think about everything- my goals and what I want to do for myself and my family and kids. I need to build and let my will power grow, even if I need to push my limits I need to do it and do it now!!
Feel it
Every now and then I think of the time that had gone by. We are not the same and I think we can’t ever be. But my memories play the kind of game that is not healthy.
It is not healthy to think like the way I do. I am constantly reminded of you. I wake up with a feeling of nostalgia. The very thought of seeing your today makes my heart skip a beat! My stomach churns with excitement and I feel I am on the seventh heaven.
It is a niche I created for myself, where I can feel however I want to feel. Interpret it as you like it. I am no Shakespeare to write profoundly. I can’t write odes either. But it is a feeling that I can’t define, just hum in my mind.
A prose writ in poem, a failed attempt maybe. I try to do justice to myself, but fail immensely.
Before I went to bed, I wrote a letter, to explain my matter. I poured my feelings for you, hoping you would understand. It’s just a stream of thoughts that doesn’t matter to mush. Yeah it is mushy much that I think too much.
It is just the way I feel it, that I write so much.
It is not healthy to think like the way I do. I am constantly reminded of you. I wake up with a feeling of nostalgia. The very thought of seeing your today makes my heart skip a beat! My stomach churns with excitement and I feel I am on the seventh heaven.
It is a niche I created for myself, where I can feel however I want to feel. Interpret it as you like it. I am no Shakespeare to write profoundly. I can’t write odes either. But it is a feeling that I can’t define, just hum in my mind.
A prose writ in poem, a failed attempt maybe. I try to do justice to myself, but fail immensely.
Before I went to bed, I wrote a letter, to explain my matter. I poured my feelings for you, hoping you would understand. It’s just a stream of thoughts that doesn’t matter to mush. Yeah it is mushy much that I think too much.
It is just the way I feel it, that I write so much.
Eternity
You have inspired me for a long time and I have thought about you many times. Every time I play that tape I feel hurt and happy together. Though I know it has been a long time ago, the wound and the mushy feeling feels really fresh.
The time we spent in the park, our confessions and special Spidy Kiss are all so fresh in my mind. Every time we met, watching the sunset. Hoping I will get to chase a sunrise with you are some of my memories that are still like new.
The way we met and the way we parted, seems like just yesterday and I am back with you.
You never seem to go away, harder I try every day. With your crooked smile and even more crooked nose, made me skip a beat even now.
You have enchanted me and maybe still do but I know how hard it is to simply get over you.
I can still feel the first drop of the rain, when never been kissed turned into never been kissed in rain. When time stood still and maybe, my heart was too. The memory of you on your bicycle will roll over my head.
In the silent night I still remember you. As the day approaches I know this memory will fade but I know the night will bring you.
My memories play this game with me where I am someone else and you maybe. Crippled by my thoughts I write all not. Yet I feel I lived an eternity in this page….
The time we spent in the park, our confessions and special Spidy Kiss are all so fresh in my mind. Every time we met, watching the sunset. Hoping I will get to chase a sunrise with you are some of my memories that are still like new.
The way we met and the way we parted, seems like just yesterday and I am back with you.
You never seem to go away, harder I try every day. With your crooked smile and even more crooked nose, made me skip a beat even now.
You have enchanted me and maybe still do but I know how hard it is to simply get over you.
I can still feel the first drop of the rain, when never been kissed turned into never been kissed in rain. When time stood still and maybe, my heart was too. The memory of you on your bicycle will roll over my head.
In the silent night I still remember you. As the day approaches I know this memory will fade but I know the night will bring you.
My memories play this game with me where I am someone else and you maybe. Crippled by my thoughts I write all not. Yet I feel I lived an eternity in this page….
love Myself
I have been staring at my screen for quite some time now and constantly I am drawing a blank. My empty slate calls out to all that I am desperately in need of some kind of love and assurance that I hold some place in your life. The very thought is so depressing that it hurts.
Why do I need someone’s assurance and love? Am I not complete in myself? Do I need some one else to make me feel beautiful? Do I need to get a tag to say I am a good mother? Do I need a hoarding to shout that I can write brilliantly if I put my heart in it?
NO I don’t need it. Why should I ? Is it the society that says so or is the family with whom I share my life? Yes we are social animals and we need the society but if I am not satisfied myself how am I suppose to satisfy other person. If I decide that I am good then I AM! I am my own mirror and I don’t need some else to show me this mirror.
If I am not true to my soul and if I don’t love myself, who else is going to? And even if some one says that they do then how would I know it to be true?
I know I might be rambling but I need to find an inspiration and that ought to come from within me and not someplace outside.
Why do I need someone’s assurance and love? Am I not complete in myself? Do I need some one else to make me feel beautiful? Do I need to get a tag to say I am a good mother? Do I need a hoarding to shout that I can write brilliantly if I put my heart in it?
NO I don’t need it. Why should I ? Is it the society that says so or is the family with whom I share my life? Yes we are social animals and we need the society but if I am not satisfied myself how am I suppose to satisfy other person. If I decide that I am good then I AM! I am my own mirror and I don’t need some else to show me this mirror.
If I am not true to my soul and if I don’t love myself, who else is going to? And even if some one says that they do then how would I know it to be true?
I know I might be rambling but I need to find an inspiration and that ought to come from within me and not someplace outside.
Fade into the Oblivion
Darkness fathoms me
Envelops me….
I don’t see the light
At the end of the tunnel
The dark cloud has no silver lining
I wish to fade away into oblivion.
Transported back in time
I found myself in back again
Forgotten ignored
Abused again
I wish I would
Fade into the oblivion
Closer to me
Misunderstood
Further away I drift
Fading away into the oblivion
Envelops me….
I don’t see the light
At the end of the tunnel
The dark cloud has no silver lining
I wish to fade away into oblivion.
Transported back in time
I found myself in back again
Forgotten ignored
Abused again
I wish I would
Fade into the oblivion
Closer to me
Misunderstood
Further away I drift
Fading away into the oblivion
Why do we love??
For too long I have stayed away from writing something for myself. Not picked out a story from my life to write about and I was kinda feeling a void...
I know I should not be focusing on laptop screen for the sake of my eyes but I wanted to stare at the keyboard screen in order to give words to this feeling…
Why do we love??
Why do we love??
We love to make us feel good
We love to make the other person feel good
Walk on a line and tread the path
For whom
So that one day they will
Turn their back on you
Why do we love?
We love the other than we love ourselves
And let go of our uniqueness
And search ourselves in other’s tales
Why do we love the other?
We love and must love me!
I don’t have to find myself in his eyes
But easier said than done
The vast sense of nada
Is too much to bear
And again I need to find someone
The vicious circle continues
Why give someone that authority
Why do we love the other?
Why not love me???
I know I should not be focusing on laptop screen for the sake of my eyes but I wanted to stare at the keyboard screen in order to give words to this feeling…
Why do we love??
Why do we love??
We love to make us feel good
We love to make the other person feel good
Walk on a line and tread the path
For whom
So that one day they will
Turn their back on you
Why do we love?
We love the other than we love ourselves
And let go of our uniqueness
And search ourselves in other’s tales
Why do we love the other?
We love and must love me!
I don’t have to find myself in his eyes
But easier said than done
The vast sense of nada
Is too much to bear
And again I need to find someone
The vicious circle continues
Why give someone that authority
Why do we love the other?
Why not love me???
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