That Moment

When I don’t keep my mind in check it wonders to that moment… that moment when I would meet you after so many years. That moment when I would lay my eyes on you and all those memories will rush back and I would once again be captivated by you.

That moment when not expecting to see you across the room; our eyes meet and in that spark the entire room seems to stand still.  I rush towards you and embrace you, like I have never hugged any one before. In that embrace a thousand words are spoken.

A tear rolls down my eye that says I missed you. I wish we never parted. A smile that says I know you are happy yet we would have been happier together and not apart.

Shall I kiss you like I use to before, and you take me in your arms like there is no tomorrow and forget about everything else.

I imagine all this when I let my mind wonder unchecked. I imagine it when I see someone that reminds me of you. Your crooked nose and your evil smile. You held my heart when you spoke to me and flashed your teeth.

I wonder would I be able to do this all if we ever meet. I am shy and you know it and yet I can imagine all this and I am sure would never be able to say it or even do any of it. the moment will pass, I am sure when no one is watching I am sure I can close my eyes and let my mind wonder of into that special place where you and I can b together with no one to check and no one to notice that you and I belong to each other no matter what the time or the era and even the situation is.

Unabashed and imaginatively yours….

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

Its 2^nd of January and to be frank, this year has been a bit different. I wasn’t excited about the New Year as I usually am. I did not make any resolutions either. Why???

Well for starters this whole hoopla about the New Year is for those who need another reason to drink and party and # their outings on social networking sites. Who cares which club you went and what glass of wine you are holding. After a while all things do become old and the excitement of the New Year dies down.

Your New Year resolutions are not kept beyond the first week of January. Why not take hold of the resolutions kept at the end of the year when we are bidding adieu to the year gone. All the mistakes that have been committed, all the promises that were broken to oneself- all of them should be taken into account.

What is New Year? Another year gone by… why can’t we see what we have accomplished and set our eyes on something more we can achieve.  Let your planning be for everyday and make room for error in judgment and other things that are not in your hands.

Make room for not the images on Facebook or Instagram but for what you will carry in your heart. All the time spent with your loved ones. All the new things that you have learnt, all the books you read and all the dreams you fulfilled... Celebrate that and plan for more such achievements and celebrations….

The lull after the big festivities

There seem to be a kind of lull, kind of gloom fallen after all the preparations and decorations that take place after a big festival. The aftermath can certainly be seen with the bloated tummy and an empty look. The highly activity filled days are no more so active and yet I have not caught up on my sleep.

Well that is not the only thing that is impacting my mental peace. I am a creative person and I like to constantly create something, be it a well written article or some Quilled piece.

Lately my mind keeps on wandering into a strange plane. Where I have these flashbacks and the images of things that I have not yet lived. Into this unknown territory I keep on wondering if I will ever come out of this.  Go to the place that I want to reach.

I wish to do so much and saying that I can’t find time to follow my passion is not just an understatement but also a sorry excuse for being too lazy. I have so much of passion and yet I do nothing for it.

I, like many others compare my passion with the kind of income I would get from it all. Proving that I think low of my own capabilities.

This has nothing to do with the lack of passion to follow my passion and make something of it but the dull lull that follows great and big festivals. I am sure I would get out of this soon and with a bang.

This surely is my mind rambling, making no sense whatsoever

Satisfaction guaranteed

I have been frequently asked as to why I create what I create. What is in it for the creator to create such delicate pieces and sell it off to adorn someone else’s house? What is the charm of making things for others when you hardly wear any of it? Why do I create?

There are numerous reasons like-

·         To feed the creative side

·         To pass the time

·         To earn extra mullah

·         If I know it I must create it

But above all it is the Satisfaction, I get when I convert something from my mind to what is in front of me. I am sure crafters, writers and in general all artists create with only for a sense of satisfaction in their mind. The relief and excitement, the elation and the acknowledgment of creation is not only empowering but also humbling.

When I get to try something new, something that I learned recently, either from a book or a video or even a tutorial, I feel this urge to try it. The never ending urges to twirl the paper and quill. Turn into a desired shape and continue with the experiment.

On the way there are many highs and lows (believe me I have wasted a lot). When I come out with a piece that is not only acknowledged but also appreciated, I am sure my fellow artists would agree that it was all worth it. The paper cuts and the wasted material along with failed attempts are all worth it!

The sense of satisfaction and achievement is beyond words can describe. So pick up your tool of choice and continue working towards that sense of satisfaction.

It's Complicated: It's Dark

I am a complex person and I have issues...There I said it; it’s out in the open, for everyone to read. I mostly find my thoughts all scrambled and confused, in the middle of nowhere, battling one big wave, that is going to crash me to death. And yet I find myself awake and kicking each day, every day. It’s complicated, I Know.

I have several issues that only few people know about. But I was once told to let it all out, write about it and let it in the open in order to things to start mending. So here goes nothing…

Self-esteem

I can hold my head high and walk a mile, but on the inside I feel like broken, shards of a mirror. Waiting for someone to put me back together! I let people mow me over and walk all over me. I don’t hold myself in a very high esteem. It’s not like I want to be here, but I am

Confidence

Well I can sure spell it; even understand the meaning of it, but not the gist of it, not an ounce of it in my body. I reek of low self esteem, self doubting in each and every step of my way. I can’t do a single thing for myself.

Will-power

That word is nowhere in my vocabulary. I have no self control, yeah I fondly remember that I use to have it once, but it seems that the word has turned its back on me and I just simply can’t gather it again and adorn it.

It’s a dark world where I am still on the threshold; I want to walk into the light but battling that tide. I know I have to try harder to live; otherwise I am on self destructive path.

Dude Where Are My Shorts?

I remember the last time we met. We parted mutually because the relationship was not moving forward. We were stagnated in time.

As I was packing my bags to move out I started remembering every little detail and every little time I spent in this house. The curtains, the stove, the kitchen, the bed and you…

I can still forget all but I could never let you go from my memories. It was the hardest decision I ever made in my whole life. It shattered me to the core. I am still feeling the aftershock of it all.

As I was packing an era of my life I remembered my most prized possession- my blue denim shorts.

Not your linen shirts, not your frappy hair and definitely not your crooked nose. I wanted my comfort shorts. After everything we went through I wanted my shorts back.

Dude where are my shorts? I asked again and again. When I did find them, you were wearing them like you owned them. I couldn’t take them back now!

After so many years when I finally realized as to why you did not return my shorts was nothing to do with my shorts but a part of me that you wanted to keep with you! People keep movie stubs, dinner receipt and gifts and cards, but you kept my shorts. The worn out denim shorts…

You kept a chunk of me with you in order to remember me. I can still remember how they looked on you and how that whole lifetime felt.

I no longer want my shorts back but the boy in them. The boy I left behind and the boy who loved me.

A Mother and ADaughter

 “She is all I have and I want to do so much, but I have got so little time left “thought Sarah.

Sarah told John to look out for her precious angel, she is going to be heartbroken. John was more concerned about Sarah rather than their daughter. Sarah was dying after a long struggle with cancer. It took almost five years, but she had a full life.

    A young teacher loved by her students and respected by her colleagues . She was a girl next door. She was made on order to be a beautiful wife and a great daughter in law.

    When their daughter Nickie was in 7^th grade Sarah  was diagnosed with cancer. She had her lump removed and got better for a while. She was elated when her results came back positive. She has always been a fighter, though she could not fight for her daughter. She has always been busy with her household chores and managing her house.

In her daily duties she forgot that she had a daughter and a beautiful one with a heart of gold. She thought she had enough time to develop her relation with her daughter . She had John to take care of first who needed her constantly for small things and big things.

     One day when Nickie came home she found all her relatives and instantly knew that her mom must be ill , lately her condition has been deteriorating . She could not see her so she went to her room and opened her books. She was not a spoiled brat but a shy girl who sometimes acted like a total tomboy. She was blossoming like a flower. But as the time knew her mother was getting worse. John was not very rich but he took good care of them. He knew his wife was leaving him her body was too weak but did not show his concern.

   He was praying each and every day for just one more day. He knew it will be difficult without her.

    Nickie started spending more time in school and planning her day in extracurricular activities ,just to be away from that dreadful place called home.

   She could not understand how her mother would be leaving. They have not yet talked about anything yet. She never told her how she felt. How upset she was and how lonely she would be. She never shared anything with her but now she wanted. She could not understand why she is leaving her when she needs her the most. Nickie was broken inside but she put on a brave face for everyone so that no one would pay attention to her. She came home ate whatever was made and shut herself in her room with music blasting.

    One day she came home and saw that her mother was critical. She was breathing hard and a nurse was taking care of her. She swallowed her tears and went in her mother’s room.

  Sarah was happy to see Nickie home. She knew it is just matter of days now so she did not want to waste her time with Nickie. She took her daughter’s hand in hers and with tears welling up she said  “my angel, I am sorry!”

   In those few words she said everything she ever wanted to say to her daughter. She was sorry that she had no time.

   She was sorry that she could not see her teenage daughter grow up.

   She was sorry that she could not see her daughter graduate or get a job or go on a date. No time to share jokes or anecdotes or simple incidents from the mundane life.

  But mostly sorry because she won’t be able to see her daughter as a bride , a married lady and a mother.

  Those final words all Nickie could remember and she would get past anything.

                             “My angel I am sorry”